The dilemma My parents have been married for 40
years. Last year my father told my mother he was gay and had had an
affair with a family friend for 18 months. My mother wants a full
explanation of what happened, who he really is, and what he wants. My
dad feels responsible for my mum as he has been the primary earner
during their marriage, but his (relatively small) income would not
stretch to support them both independently. Even though he is a
Christian, he doesn’t seem to see that his affair, regardless of his
sexual proclivity, was wrong. They are living in a poisonous atmosphere.
For my mum, the idea of starting her life again on her own at the age
of 65 with no income is insurmountable. I want to support her, and reach
out to my dad, but he is finding it difficult to talk. He needs to
admit that what he did was wrong. Can you advise me on the best way to
support both of them?
Mariella replies With difficulty I suspect. Making
your bid at mediation from a judgmental starting point will make your
task even harder. Having an affair is certainly not to be applauded, but
if your father has waited this long to succumb to his natural desires
then he also deserves your respect. I’m presuming he too is in his
mid-60s and that’s a very long time to wait to express your full
sexuality.
I sympathise with your mother’s need for an apology and to ascertain
just who she’s been living with for the past four decades, but my
suspicion is he’s exactly the man she thought he was. Secret fantasies
and longings are part of being human and, though your sexual preference
is an ingredient of who you are, it doesn’t offer the full picture.
These days the idea of suppressing urges, or choosing an alternative
path from the one you’re programmed for, is seen as an abdication of
personal freedom – but actually most of us will at some point present a
fictional face to the world. The path we choose to navigate through the
myriad choices available is what makes us who we are.
I don’t know the extent to which your father has denied his sexuality
to himself, let alone the rest of the world, but as father to three
daughters I imagine he’s no stranger to compromise. Your parents have
been married for 40 years which is a pretty amazing achievement. Perhaps
a vote of confidence in them both from all three of their children,
celebrating the enduring security they’ve offered you by staying
together and sacrificing more than you’ll ever understand, would be an
encouraging position to start from.
Seen from a different perspective their marriage isn’t a failure but
an evolving partnership. If they can manage to reach a compromise, who
knows, maybe they don’t even need to split up? By the time you hit your
mid-60s you’re either desperate to blow the lid off the status quo, or
comfortably shaped around the life you’ve created.
Your father may want to ride off into the sunset with his lover, but
he’s just as likely to want to maintain the friendship his marriage must
be, but with a fresh honesty about their physical relationship. It may
not be particularly romantic, but it is a realistic proposal and not
unusual. In the long-term, sex becomes a smaller element of the bigger
relationship.
I’d be very surprised if your father feels guilt-free about his
affair, but I also imagine those feelings are laced with a degree of
liberation at summoning the courage to reveal himself in an honest way.
He may see apologising as an admission of guilt for his homosexuality,
rather than for betraying your mother. The only way you can find out for
sure is by letting him know you want to talk to him in a non-judgmental
way to find out how he feels about the situation.
I appreciate I’m taking a rather idealistic stance, but it’s far
better to have an idealistic scenario to aspire to than to set a
confrontational path that won’t take any of you forward. By electing to
help support them through this difficult time you’ve set yourself a
tough challenge but having a child so committed to their welfare is to
your parents’ credit. It suggests that they must have done quite a lot
right together!
