I say away with negative energy! Forget the clouds and focus on the silver linings instead. Let the sun burst through those clouds.
Hello
again. I’ve been away from this space for several weeks, first being a
bit under the weather and then making a documentary series for BBC Four,
both of which involved a lot of huddling under blankets and clearing my
throat while people muttered: “You don’t seem too clever.”
After that, it was a wintry seaside holiday followed by a poker
tournament, both of which involved shivering in front of a diminishing
portion of chips.
After that, it was catching up with the second series of Broadchurch while trying to query a recent bill from Npower, both of which involved shrieking: “Is there no justice?!”
After that… Well, you get the gist. Anyway, I’m back now.
I’m feeling much perkier and, as a result, would like to fill your Sunday morning with happy thoughts.
Last Friday, I went on Room 101 (the TV show where guests
rant against things they dislike) and I’ve been feeling guilty about
putting all that negative energy into the world. It was actually my
second visit to the programme; that’s how much I’ve got to moan about.
It’s like phoning someone back after you’ve hung up on them during a
row, to shout: “And another thing…”
But where is the TV show that celebrates what people like? The things that make us happy? That’s right: no such show. There is nothing but the ghastly song from The Sound of Music
about “bright copper kettles” and “wild geese that fly with the moon on
their wings”, ie things that we never actually see, so the thought of
them is really quite depressing. It just reminds us that the parameters
of our own universe are a crap old limescaley Argos kettle and those
moth-eaten pigeons in the park.
I’d like to redress the balance with a list of excellent smile-worthy things, just to brighten up your weekend.
Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m confident that the comments under this
article in the online edition of the paper will be full of people’s own
cheery lists of happy things, with the hashtag #sweetnessandlight.
The fact that your gadgets eavesdrop on you
What an excellent story this was, for all those of us who don’t really know what a “smart TV” is, never mind own one.
Some people’s televisions listen to their conversations and report
them to GCHQ. Mine struggles to get Channel 5 in wet weather. Therefore,
we have privacy but not Celebrity Big Brother. I’ve never felt better about all the savings I’ve made by refusing to update wizened electronic goods.
The lube court case
An unsatisfied customer in California is suing the bestselling author EL James and the sex toy company Lovehoney because its “Fifty Shades Of Grey Come Alive Pleasure Gel For Her” lubricant did not do what it said on the tin.
The packaging was illustrated with a quote from the famous novel: “I
surrender, exploding around him – a draining, soul-grabbing orgasm that
leaves me spent and exhausted.” But, according to the plaintiff’s
equally poetic testimony: “The product did not deliver the purported
benefits.”
Nothing brings a smile to the face quicker than the thought of Fifty Shades of Grey:
only the most truly frigid could read that book without laughing. But
what extra joy to consider the court case! What will happen in that
witness box? Damn, I wish I could be a juror. When I did jury service,
we only had to decide whether or not an Armenian man had a knife in his
coat.
Butter not being bad for you
Given the spirit of our Room 101 world, the papers have been
full of people expressing miserable fury at all the butter they’ve gone
without, under the (it is now claimed erroneous) impression that it’s
bad for you. But I’ve never gone without it. Nor booze, carbs, sugar,
meat; I’ve always said yes to everything, as my local chapter of the
Hells Angels will confirm. And look at me now: all fat and healthy.
Ha! Kate Moss famously said: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny
feels”, but she obviously never tried melted cheddar on the top of a
cold pork pie.
Those nurses recovering from Ebola
My favourite was William Pooley,
who phoned his parents to break the terrible news of his ebola when
they were at a wedding. They kept it quiet because they “didn’t like to
spoil the day”.
THEIR SON HAD EBOLA. But one doesn’t want to make a fuss. On with the canapes, everyone!
Having recovered, William went straight back to Sierra Leone. Mad
dogs and Englishmen; this family bring out the cheery patriot in me.
Spider-Man could be in the new Avengers film
Yes, Sony Pictures and the Walt Disney company have finally resolved their differences and announced this potential venture, which – quite apart from vastly improving the Avengers franchise – would surely clear the way for Spider-Man to be in all films. I recently watched the film Wild,
and was moved by the film-makers’ struggle to turn one woman’s lonely,
blistered trudge across the desert into palatable entertainment. Now,
their future work will be unhindered by the perverse absence of
Spider-Man.
In The Imitation Game 2, Spider-Man can remind Alan Turing of Britain’s barbaric homosexuality laws, rather than that chauffeur from Downton Abbey.
And my word, The Hurt Locker will be an easier watch.
Not having something in your eye
Isn’t it awful when you’ve got something in your eye? Isn’t it
impossible to think about anything else? Don’t you just sit there
remembering the Utopia of 10 minutes ago when you didn’t have something
in your eye but were completely failing to appreciate it? Well, I
haven’t got anything in my eye right now. And I’ve remembered to enjoy it. Clear, empty, eye freedom! God it’s brilliant.
