Which jobs are least likely to conclude with a long and happy
retirement? Here are the most hazardous occupations in cinema history
Even
in the famously gun-happy world of fictional North American law
enforcement, many police officers make it all the way through their
careers without feeling the need to draw their sidearm. But if there’s
any lesson to learn from more than a century of generic cops’n’robbers
movies, and most informed sources suggest that there isn’t, it’s that
the last week before retirement is the most hazardous.
That’s when the puffed-out lawman will strap on his shoulder holster
in the locker room, and make the mistake of confiding to a colleague
that he only has to work a few more days before retiring. Gold watches
don’t grow on trees, and US police forces are as cash-strapped as their
British cousins.
Might an unscrupulous police commissioner assign an officer to a
particularly hazardous mission just to save on pension payments? Close
study of the cinematic oeuvre of Bruce Willis suggests that it’s all too
likely.
Starfleet Redshirt
Survivability factor 1/5
Survivability factor 1/5
In
the post-scarcity society posited by Star Trek, life is generally
pretty sweet. The technology to flit between solar systems means that
there is no shortage of resources, or of places to live. Job
opportunities seem plentiful. And yet a surprising number of people
still apply for positions in Starfleet’s high risk Security and
Engineering division.
Three-quarters of the Enterprise crewmembers who died in Star Trek’s
first series were wearing red shirts. There might be no shortage of
resources in Gene Roddenberry’s utopian vision, but there’s no shortage
of peril either. Especially if you’re a Redshirt.
Gladiator
Survivability factor 2/5Thankfully, the position of gladiator was made redundant by the Roman Empire’s HR department in 404 AD. Hundreds of fighters who seemed doomed to die in the arena became unemployed instead. Still, that’s no bad thing. Gladiatorial combat was a brutal, terrifically bloody affair and the emergency rooms of the time operated very much on a “here’s a cold compress, cheerio, best of luck” basis so even trivial cuts could become nastily infected.
Survivability factor 2/5Thankfully, the position of gladiator was made redundant by the Roman Empire’s HR department in 404 AD. Hundreds of fighters who seemed doomed to die in the arena became unemployed instead. Still, that’s no bad thing. Gladiatorial combat was a brutal, terrifically bloody affair and the emergency rooms of the time operated very much on a “here’s a cold compress, cheerio, best of luck” basis so even trivial cuts could become nastily infected.
Different classes of gladiator were permitted to wear different
amounts of armour, but the tradeoff was between protection and mobility.
Almost as if the whole thing were a particularly violent videogame
conceived before the advent of computers. On balance you’re probably
better off squandering your days fighting against teenagers online.
There was no “respawn” button for gladiators.
Henchman
Survivability factor 3/5The plucky individuals who answer a job ad for “Henchman needed”, whether it’s placed by a megalomaniac billionaire or a thriving multinational super-crime syndicate, know that there’s an element of risk attached to the work. A risk hardly ameliorated by the standard henchman uniform of a brightly coloured easy-to-see and easy-to-shoot-at jumpsuit.
Survivability factor 3/5The plucky individuals who answer a job ad for “Henchman needed”, whether it’s placed by a megalomaniac billionaire or a thriving multinational super-crime syndicate, know that there’s an element of risk attached to the work. A risk hardly ameliorated by the standard henchman uniform of a brightly coloured easy-to-see and easy-to-shoot-at jumpsuit.
The best insurance policy for the henchman is to maintain a certain
flexibility of allegiance. If you notice large numbers of heavily armed
marines bursting into your employer’s secret undersea volcano lair,
consider turning on your line manager and then surrendering to the
authorities. Leading henchmen such as Jaws have employed this tactic
with enormous success.
Jabba The Hutt’s sidekick
Survivability factor 4/5Salacious B Crumb was, as any Star Wars fan will happily tell you, a Kowakian monkey-lizard employed as a court jester to corpulent crime lord Jabba the Hutt.
Survivability factor 4/5Salacious B Crumb was, as any Star Wars fan will happily tell you, a Kowakian monkey-lizard employed as a court jester to corpulent crime lord Jabba the Hutt.
While his working conditions might generally be considered agreeable,
the Hutt gangster’s home was essentially one long rollicking party that
makes the notoriously informal environment at Google HQ look like the
Vatican library, job security was marginal.
Even if the successful sidekick managed to avoid being thrown into
the Rancor pit for displeasing his master or electrocuted by passing
droids, there was always the danger of being crushed under Jabba’s bulky
frame. Worst exit interview ever.
